Fourth Draft script deconstruction - Wishing Well to Copper Bones

My Namesake Has Some Of The Worst Stuff In The Fourth Draft Script

Mikey’s speech in the bottom of the wishing well is important and iconic. It gives us a reminder as to what they’re down in these stupid caves for, it cements Andy (and Stef, in a way) as Goonies, and it’s just kind of feel-good in general. I have a feeling Spielberg helped with this a lot, just compared to the content of his movies.

It’s concise and to the point. It’s their time, their time down there.

Would you believe if I told you it had this long ramble about Irene and Irving Walsh cut from it?

Seriously - not including names, this speech, other dialogue and description included, is sixty fucking lines long. This speech, this speech… I hate it so much. Perhaps not as much as the gorillas or the Really Terrible Scene, but this truly is a terrible, terrible writing choice.

So, after Mikey’s passionate speech about not giving up on the treasure and how they need to save the Goon Docks, he launches into this story about how his parents went on a TV game show and they lost horribly. It sets up this whole thing of “door #2” thing, and how Irving Walsh, whose lucky number is 2, picked door #3 for their prize, and instead won a hundred thousand toothpicks instead of a hundred thousand dollars.

Granted, we will see some semblance of a payoff (believe me, it is not worth it), and it just barely ties into the “take a chance with the treasure” motif, but by god, is this just a mood killer. It brings all our momentum to a screeching halt. What makes no sense is that you can see right in the script where they decided “let’s cut this here”, which just begs the question of “was this stupid extended speech necessary in the first place”?

This is literally just above the speech from above. This is where it cuts in the final. Holy fucking shit.

The worst thing is that, for whatever reason, everyone just sits there and listens to Mikey’s inane rambling. At least with his sappy speech about “our time”, it’s making a point to them, a point that this friend group will be rendered apart by the demolition of the Goon Docks. But no, as Mikey explains a story about a dumbass game show, everyone is entranced, “fascinated”, hooked on this. And for whatever reason, this was what originally changed Andy’s mind to go with Troy and escape home.

It’s a mind-boggling find. I remember finding this for the first time and just yelling in frustration at my girlfriend over a voice call about it, who was just as baffled by this as me. Obviously we know who thought this was a good idea, so the better question is: “why did they think this was a good idea” or “why didn’t anyone step in and say ‘hey this is shit’ sooner”?

In-between this and the unfortunate Oath/Leech scene, there’s a quick bit of Troy driving away from the well and the country club, where he encounters the sheriff of Astoria Cauldron Point. Because he’s pissed and dejected about Andy choosing the Goonies and Brand over him, he doesn’t say anything about where the missing kids are. Doesn’t really add much to the movie, hence why it was cut.

Also cool random racism, leveled at Stef, because of course it is. Cops suck!

This is where the Oath and leech scene happen, with Chunk and Sloth being introduced to each other happening in-between them. I’m going right over that one because the only changes here is the use of Almond Joy instead of Baby Ruth in the script. Aside from that, it’s practically the same.

But alas. The Oath/leech scene. We’ve already discussed it at length, way back in the beginning of this whole essay and sporadically throughout. It’s tasteless, a weird non-consensual sexual situation involving two sixteen year old girls. I’m not sure I really need to go into depths as to why this is so horrendous.

One-Eyed Willy’s Story

Remember the pin we put into our metaphorical corkboard waaaaaaaaaaay back when our gang found the map? How Mikey did not explain who One-Eyed Willy was to his friends? We’ve finally come back to this.

In the Fourth Draft script, eighty-four pages in, we are finally told who this pirate guy is… by Francis Fratelli, our character who is well-known by this point to know about pirates and old exploration stories? You know?

Yeah, it’s a really odd decision why this worldbuilding and exposition only came in like two-thirds of the way through the film. Maybe it was supposed to create an air of mystery with the treasure and whatnot? After all, we haven’t seen any dead pirates yet, our adventure has really just been one dead guy, some falling boulders, and a bunch of pennies and dimes.

Having Mikey tell the tale was a directing choice made by Donner himself, as Astin explains in the DVD commentary:

“I remember when we filmed this scene, where I’m sitting down and I’m talking about the pirates . . . no, but if I’m not mistaken, it was originally a speech written for the Fratelli brothers . . . [Donner] decided to go for an innovative film technique and he’s gonna show how the young--the young child actor mind works, and he tells me the story--he sits me down and says, ‘I’m gonna tell you a story, and all I want you to do is listen to the story, and then we’re gonna film it and I want you to tell me the story back.’ And all I thought was, ‘that’s genius’ . . .”

Astin explains it well, why it’s far, far stronger to the narrative of the movie for our lead to explain the story. Not only does it add personality to Mikey, it frames the entire movie as being specifically theirs. Less just a story that just happens to involve and follow these characters and more one that is about them.

And oh my god I forgot about this until I scrolled down but uh, our good friends are back! Hooray! Just when you thought that maybe we’d be getting a break from the gorillas, here they come again, swiping from just off-screen and catching Jake’s toupee off of his head. Then for whatever reason the Fratellis get into a fight and, just… ugh.

No, that wasn’t a mistake on my part. Jake has the hairpiece in this script rather than Francis. I prefer the original movie’s switch-around on that, since Jake’s already kind of the punching bag to Mama - Francis having it instead levels the playing field… kind of.

Copper Bones, Triple Stones…

Let’s get back to what really matters, yeah?

If you’ve ever wondered why the scene involving the “Copper Bones” booby trap looks different from the wishing well, that’s because it’s a different location, since they ran away from the leech-infested water and all. The transition between areas in the final cut is jarring, since there’s no explanation as to why they really located… but that might just kind of a nitpick.

Either way, Brand has another panic attack here, which results in the boys piling atop of him and… Stef just sort of. Shoves his head under her shirt. “Breathe your own carbon dioxide. It’s good for you”, she says. Bullshit. It’s just an excuse for this to happen:

Look, in the final version of the movie, there is indeed a scene where the two bicker: in the basement of the Lighthouse Lounge. But that’s just… bickering, and not some weird jealousy between the two. They’re meant to be best friends, dammit! This is just awkward and weird!
The version we get in the final is way more amusing, with this great, unamused look from Stef and Brand making petty complains about his brother’s personality.

Data’s near fall into a pit of spikes is also extended, which includes some more dialogue from Catholic Stef, as well as Mikey waffling about his friend dying. It’s all a little too cartoonish, cutting it out helps the movie retain the oddly grounded atmosphere the final product has.